During the Summer of 2016, I went through a breakup with a guy I had been living with for the previous year. It was messy, emotional, and made more stressful due to the fact that my son, who was 9 at the time, was also affected by what was going on. It disturbed me deeply that this man I had been with did not keep his promise of being open and honest should the relationship sour. It was paramount to me that my son would be shielded from any emotional turmoil, so we made a pact before moving in together that we would tell each other if we felt we couldn’t go on, deal with it in a mature manner, to give me ample time to prepare my son.

What actually happened was so far removed from that, it boggled my mind. Not only did he not keep his promise, but his actions were foreign and unbelievable to me despite the intimacy we had shared.  I came to realize that the mechanisms behind his strange behavior were directly linked to a troubled childhood. I only discovered this many months later when I started to delve deeply into psychology to help find some kind of explanation for this behavior. My ex was a very angry man who was unaware that his anger was deep seated.

In the process of researching and reading I turned to several TED Talks about forgiveness to help me deal with the emotional repercussions. I was obsessing about him and I didn’t want to waste my time doing so. I found the talks helpful but it was another video on forgiveness that I found that really altered the course of my life.

What it led to was something I had been searching for my whole life, without knowing exactly what that was. Peace of mind, intrinsic happiness, a sense of deep fulfillment with life, all these things I craved and yet they seemed so elusive to me.

I came to discover later that what I was experiencing was something the Buddhists call Samvega. It is a complex state involving a kind of disillusionment with mundane life, and a wholehearted longing for a deeper investigation into the inner workings of the mind and self.

The Relationship Graveyard

This failed relationship was about the 20th one in a lifelong series that I seemed to be drawn to. These men were all very similar, they were all somehow “broken” or imperfect and I thought I would be the one that could “fix” them, heal their hurts and hearts, like polishing up a rough stone.

On occasion, I was successful and it gave me a sense of pride to see how my efforts paid off. In retrospect, I see how it was all very well intentioned, but ultimately impossible to maintain. I would inevitably realize, once the guy was “fixed” to a certain degree, that he wasnʼt what Iʼd hoped he would be and the weaknesses I uncovered, made him unattractive to me. I was often disappointed when he did not measure up to my standards.

In the process of doing research, of finally looking at myself in these relationships and doing deep self-inquiry, and contemplation, I discovered an inner strength and resolve. I was determined that this pattern was not going to be repeated. I was not going to settle anymore, not with an ordinary life nor was I going to accept a broken man. I was determined to learn about why I attracted these types in the first place. I gave up all pursuits of relationships with men and stepped onto a path of massive self-education, to rediscover my relationship with myself.