During the Summer of 2016, I went through a breakup with a guy I had been living with for the previous year. It was messy, emotional, and made more stressful due to the fact that my son, who was 9 at the time, was also affected by what was going on. During this time, while studying Psychology, I came to learn that the mechanisms behind his strange behavior were directly linked to a troubled childhood. Studying Psychology really helped open my mind, it illuminated and gave me an explanation for this behavior. My ex was a very angry man who was unaware that his anger was deep-seated and that it started, decades before, in his youth.

In the process of researching and reading I turned to several TED Talks about forgiveness to help me deal with the emotional repercussions.  I found the talks helpful but it was another video on forgiveness that I found that truly altered the course of my life. It was about radical forgiveness and it was the impetus for a life change that I am so grateful for today.

What it led to was something I had been searching for my whole life, without knowing exactly what that was. Peace of mind, intrinsic happiness, a sense of deep fulfillment with life, all these things I craved and yet they seemed so elusive to me.

I came to discover later that what I was experiencing was something the Buddhists call Samvega. It is a complex state involving a kind of disillusionment with mundane life, and a wholehearted longing for a deeper investigation into the inner workings of the mind and self.

The Relationship Graveyard

This failed relationship was about the 20th one in a lifelong series that I seemed to be drawn to. These men were all very similar, they were all somehow “broken” or imperfect and I thought I would be the one that could “fix” them, heal their hurts and hearts, like polishing up a rough stone.

On occasion, I was successful and it gave me a sense of pride to see how my efforts paid off. In retrospect, I see how it was all very well-intentioned, but ultimately impossible to maintain. I would inevitably realize, once the guy was “fixed” to a certain degree, that he wasnʼt what Iʼd hoped he would be and the weaknesses I uncovered, made him unattractive to me. I was often disappointed when he did not measure up to my standards.

In the process of doing research, of finally looking at myself in these relationships and doing deep self-inquiry, and contemplation, I discovered an inner strength and resolve. I was determined that this pattern was not going to be repeated. I was not going to settle anymore, not with an ordinary life nor was I going to accept a “broken” man. I was determined to learn about why I attracted these types in the first place. I gave up all pursuits of relationships with men and stepped onto a path of massive self-education, to rediscover my relationship with myself.